Soul Inspirations: Grief, Friendships and Love

This may start out as sounding like a somber post, but I promise that is not what I am sharing with you today. 

Have you ever been in a space in your life where you sit there and wonder who would miss you if you died today or tomorrow. To be fair this has not actually been a question on my mind for a while as I have felt I have so much to live for, especially due to my pregnancy. 

The strangest thing happened to me last night that caught me quite by surprise and struck a deep emotional chord in my heart. I woke up from a dream at 01:01 am and I was crying. Tears were streaming down my face from the dream I had just had and all I could think to do was grab my husband's hand and hold on to it as tight as I could while I calmed my heart.

In my dream I died. Yet, I didn't know I was dead initially in the dream. I was so confused as to what was going on... Once I realised my state it was like the scene replayed with this realisation and I witnessed the grief of the people in my life. The ones I know love me the most and would really be affected if I were to die. 

The grief I witnessed of my husband, step-son, cousin and parents had me in a state as there was nothing that I could actually do about it or do to comfort them. We don't need many people in our loves to feel fulfilled and loved. I suppose two things could have triggered such a dream, firstly at the beginning of the month it was the anniversary of my biological fathers death, and secondly I have had some friends leave my life in the past few months. I have always taken this a bit hard as for some reason in this life most friendships have never been an easy sail for me. I have met some amazing friends along the way and not all of them have ended in a bad way. In some ways some friendships that have ended have had me trust in myself a little bit more.

We all go through growth phases in life and I guess this is me stepping into the next the next phase of my life. Trying to manage my time and spend it where it is worth while. Either on activities that have a better return, e.g. working on my writing skill versus blogging, or spending time with the people I love like my family. 

I have had to take a step back and re-evaluate what truly makes me happy, work towards that and let go of the things that don't without feeling guilty about it. 

It's not always about working towards being the person you want to be, but sometimes it is more about just being that person in the moment. I have had to practice this more often than not when it comes to being a step mom. Shaping a little human is hard work. It's easy to moan and shout when they do something 'wrong', it's harder to take a breath sometimes and approach the situation with love and encouragement to see the error and grow from it. 

Every day is an opportunity to start a new way and even every moment is an opportunity to let it go and try again. 

Love those that appreciate and love you. You will be missed if you were to go tomorrow, maybe not by the masses but definitely by the people who colour your world. 

Love

Chanzie 

xxx